90 of the funniest dirty adult jokes that will make you laugh and gasp

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.

I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.

I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.

Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70.

Let’s play carpenter. First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.

If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

Are you my new boss? Because you just gave me a raise.

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Never break someone’s heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

“I work with animals,” the guy says to his Tinder date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.

What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why was the leper hockey game canceled? It was because of a face-off in the corner.

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

Is your name Tanya? Cuz I’m gonna tan ya ass.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.


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